Friday, April 13, 2007

Household Hints

Holiday Hint: For dinner mints, fill your cut glass candy dishes with economical, yet artisticly abstract "sink turds" (dried gobs of toothpaste).

Another Holiday Hint: For a refreshing and healthful Christmas wine, try Aquafresh.

Never discard a feminine pad without using the sticky side to clean lint off your husband's suit.

When your clothes get dirty, donate them to the Salvation Army and then buy them back cleaned and pressed a couple of days later.

To make your own economical nicotine patches, soak band-aids in a tobacco chewer's spit cup.

Save gift shopping time and money! At the party, take your card, in a small envelope, and switch it with the card on the most expensive looking gift.

Always keep some plastic snakes near your front door. When witnessers come by, pretend to vomit up the snakes.

Avoid cleaning paint brushes indefinitely by wrapping them in plastic and tossing them in the freezer.

When your outdoor furniture gets covered with 'allergy', throw it in somebody's pool and ask the owner to shock their pool for you.

When your child is old enough to say "Mom, I want some mookie," then it is time to stop breastfeeding.

Gals, keep a box of junior size tampons just in case a friend needs to borrow one, so you can say that's the biggest size you can stand to wear.

If your cat won't eat the dead carcasses he drags in, run the electric can opener and drop the critter in his bowl.

If you slop food on your clothes, it's more effective and economical to suck the stain out.
First apply a heavy wad of spit, and let the enzymes digest the stain for 20 minutes. Then use your mouth to apply heavy suction to the spot. Works better than dry-cleaning on men's ties.

Ladies, you can launder and re-use those thin mini-pads if you just leave them in your underwear!

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a while.

One good reason to visit the sick - their medicine cabinet.

A little Comet® and someone else's electric toothbrush will work miracles on your grubby toe and finger nails.

Having a fine party and your low on the chex mix? Just add a few scoops of dry kitty food and fill that tupperware bowl to the top. Remember mix well!

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

Low on drugs and money? Attend an open house and visit the medicine cabinet.

Just keep a cane in your car and make a handicapped sign. You'll always get a great parking space!

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

Lost your gas cap? Stuff a maxi-pad in its place and spray paint with matching color.

Need an umbrella? Visit a busy restaurant the day after a heavy rain and say you left a black umbrella.

Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

Remember the first name in luggage: Coleman®

For cheap and economical Halloween treats save up all your ketchup and mustard and picante and soy sauce and duck sauce packets all year long and hand them out on Halloween! Kids can't see em if you drop them in the bag and they think they have scored a bundle of candy by the shear weight of all those packets in the bag. Syrup packets are the best.

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to a pizza parlor, place an order for home delivery and catch a ride home with the driver.

Always keep several get well cards on your mantel... so if unexpected guests arrive, they will understand you've been too sick to clean the house.

Got a good one? Email Hellish Louise!

Saturday, April 07, 2007

An Easter Prayer

Wow! That was my reaction on reading this Easter letter written by the chair of our congregation’s board of deacons. I knew immediately I had to share it with all of you. Hear his prayer … and, if you will, make it your own!

“Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of laborers, the genius of scientists, the hope of its children.” Dwight D. Eisenhower, five-star general and the thirty-fourth president of the United States.

Religious people seldom have difficulty finding a scriptural basis for engaging in conflict. The Old Testament is a history of nations in conflict, and God was on the side of the faithful. The lesson of our Savior, however, is to bridge differences, to trample prejudices, and to bury animosities. To the surprise of most everyone, Jesus came not to lead his people in war, but as the Prince of Peace. Jesus died on a cross, not to defeat the Romans, but to bring the Kingdom of God.

As spring awakens the earth, let us be prayful and courageous. Let us pray that our eyes be opened. Let us see the world as it is and as it yearns to be. Let us pray for understanding, reconciliation, and the end of animosities, some of which have lasted for hundreds of years. Let us pray for ourselves. Let us pray for our neighbors and our enemies. Let us temper our passions and tend to the patient labors of peace."